Dad died last night. Mom has had AD for a long time. She knows me and my husband and remembers some things from long ago, but can't remember what she had for breakfast. She is not combative anymore.
What is more merciful? To tell her that he died, and then she will have to be reminded over and over again? Or to let her think that they woke up together, he is at a work appointment, and he will be home later? My brothers think it is best to not tell her that he died. I have no idea since I've not been through this before.
Family relationships are horrible. Dad and I have been estranged for almost 3 years. He and my brothers put mom in memory care, very much against her wishes, and unnecessarily in terms of financially-viable options. There are challenging times ahead.
telling spouse of death
Re: telling spouse of death
My sympathies on this tough issue. Even with estrangement, it can be weighty to lose a parent, and the question of what to tell your mom may not be entirely in your control, given your brothers' involvement.JD2020 wrote: ↑Mon Jan 20, 2025 3:11 pm Dad died last night. Mom has had AD for a long time. She knows me and my husband and remembers some things from long ago, but can't remember what she had for breakfast. She is not combative anymore.
What is more merciful? To tell her that he died, and then she will have to be reminded over and over again? Or to let her think that they woke up together, he is at a work appointment, and he will be home later? My brothers think it is best to not tell her that he died. I have no idea since I've not been through this before.
Family relationships are horrible. Dad and I have been estranged for almost 3 years. He and my brothers put mom in memory care, very much against her wishes, and unnecessarily in terms of financially-viable options. There are challenging times ahead.
I love that you are framing it as what is more merciful, which I believe is what we would all hope our loved ones would consider. I think the issue is less whether she remembers what she had for breakfast and more what she remembers or asks about her husband. If she is happy currently with the explanation that he is at work and will be home later, then it is a kindness to continue to let her think that. I had an aunt who continued to think that her husband was at Kodak decades after his death, or that a kind man in the memory care was him. On the other hand, my mother-in-law, who was in memory care, knew her husband came every day and stayed for hours and would often ask, even if he had just gone down the hall, where he was. If he had pre-deceased her, I think my husband and his siblings would have agreed that it was kindest to let her know what had happened. If she truly forgot that he had died after a while, then I think they would have made that her truth.
Although your brothers made a decision to move her to memory care that you knew she didn't want (but may not now remember, you might find common ground on this decision to not share this loss with her. Sometimes thinking about how all of you will get through this together and be friends for the long haul (even if not best buds) is helpful. It may also give you all the chance to talk about her own end-of-life prior wishes and current needs, before that is needed.
You are traveling a path no one wants to join. As someone who traveled it with my siblings for my mother, and watched it with my MIL and others, I have only admiration for your strength.
Nancy
4/4 and still an optimist!
Re: telling spouse of death
Thank you. I appreciate your comments and perspective.
Re: telling spouse of death
A tough place to be for sure. One thing to think about: is it possible that anyone your mom might see in the coming days would offer their sympathy?JD2020 wrote:What is more merciful? To tell her that he died, and then she will have to be reminded over and over again?
My husband's sister is in memory care and their brother just passed. But, she doesn't have any relatives in town, her friends no longer visit, nor does she use her phone anymore, so there is little chance that someone would say anything. My husband didn't tell her in a recent visit, and she didn't even ask about him.
Hugs from all of us who have been in a similar situation...
Re: telling spouse of death
Good point. There is one person - I will mention this to her.
Re: telling spouse of death
Everything I've ever read about dementia advises not correcting (let alone arguing with) a patient. Telling them bad news (over and over again) does nothing for their morale (or their endorphins) and essentially forces them to re-live a trauma.JD2020 wrote: ↑Mon Jan 20, 2025 3:11 pm What is more merciful? To tell her that he died, and then she will have to be reminded over and over again? Or to let her think that they woke up together, he is at a work appointment, and he will be home later? My brothers think it is best to not tell her that he died. I have no idea since I've not been through this before.
If they ask where someone is, "They're [out on an errand | at work | taking a walk ] and they should be back soon. Would you like to [listen to some music | have lunch | go for a walk]?"
In my father's case, he repeatedly worried about not being able to find his apartment or remembering whether he'd paid the rent. When he was still verbal with his Alzheimer's in the care facility, he'd bring this up every 20-30 minutes. (The facts were that he'd left the apartment in a mess when he fled to the hospital for emergency surgery, and his finances had been in chaos for months.) We'd repeatedly assure him that his apartment was in good shape, and that he'd given us an outstanding turnover on his bills. We'd tell him that we could drive him there for a visit anytime he wanted, and we could review his budget & assets with him whenever he had more questions.
As we told these stories, you could practically see the relief wash over his face, and he'd visibly relax in his chair. "Whew, that's one less thing to worry about." He never took us up on either offer-- he just wanted reassurance that everything was all right.
Then we'd talk about other random topics (of his choice) until the loop recycled.
Author of "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement". Royalties go to military charities.
Co-author (with my daughter): "Raising Your Money-Savvy Family For Next Generation FI."
To contact me, please send a PM.
Co-author (with my daughter): "Raising Your Money-Savvy Family For Next Generation FI."
To contact me, please send a PM.
Re: telling spouse of death
Happy to help. It might be keyboard therapy.
My father was an electrical engineer with a wide variety of interests & hobbies. Looking back on his years with Alzheimer's, he must have had tremendous cognitive reserve even after he was too dangerous to live independently.
During his first couple years in the care facility, he used to greet all of the new patients (and their families). He'd chat with them about the facility and its amenities and ask them to let him know if there were any problems. He was sort of a street mayor about it, and many of the patients & families initially mistook him for a volunteer staff member.
As he approached mid-stage Alzheimer's he could still greet people with a smile, look them in the eye as he shook their hand, and carry on a coffee-shop conversation for almost half an hour. Then his loop would recycle and people would realize he was a resident, not staff.
He'd been a widower for 20 years before Alzheimer's, and he'd always (since the late 1950s) kept an engagement-photo headshot of my mother in their bedroom. When he moved to the care facility in 2011 we mounted that photo on the wall of his room.
For the first couple years he'd wake up, see her photo, and be sad all over again. As Alzheimer's progressed he began asking who that beautiful woman was in that photo and why it was there. Eventually he stopped even noticing it.
These are the stories I frequently share with our daughter & son-in-law "in case you guys ever become caregivers." They understand why I'm sharing.
Author of "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement". Royalties go to military charities.
Co-author (with my daughter): "Raising Your Money-Savvy Family For Next Generation FI."
To contact me, please send a PM.
Co-author (with my daughter): "Raising Your Money-Savvy Family For Next Generation FI."
To contact me, please send a PM.
Re: telling spouse of death
That is beautiful. Very sad as always re AD, but very sweet about him asking who that beautiful woman is.